The White House correspondents’ dinner took place this past Saturday night, with duties of the keynote ‘roaster’ of the President, his staff, and the press at large being bestowed upon Michelle Wolf. This annual event celebrates the First Amendment and serves as a celebration of the parts of the press given access to cover the goings-on of the White House and the Executive Branch of the federal government. The event garnered added layers of controversy this year due to President Trump’s decision to skip the event, some people choosing to walk out of the event in response to jokes they felt went too far, and the general strain that exists today between the media and the White House.

Regardless of how the event is received, the White House correspondents’ dinner remains a fascinating look into the interactions between the media with the public officials they are tasked with covering. However, the parts of the government tasked with overseeing energy policy were largely left out of Wolf’s speech. While embattled Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Scott Pruitt was the focus of one punchline, the Paris Climate Agreement got name-checked, and the monologue was closed out by highlighting the environmental injustice that is still going on with the lack of clean water supply in Flint, Michigan, I was selfishly hoping there would be more comedic fodder for those of us in the energy crowd. With that in mind, I went through Wolf’s set (full transcript here) and changed up some of her punchlines so the energy communities could get in on the laughs.

Disclaimer: I’m clearly not a comedian and no one has ever paid me to write a joke. But I know energy, hopefully that’s enough to cover-up for my lack of comedy credentials. So without further ado, here is my energy remix of the five of the White House correspondents’ dinner jokes– did I miss any opportunities? Let me know in the comments!

1. No accomplishments

Original joke: And just a reminder to everyone, I’m here to make jokes. I have no agenda. I’m not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone that’s here from Congress, you should feel right at home.

Wolf’s first jab of the night came at the expense of a Congress that some charge with having no real agenda of note because so much time is spent by the Republican majority just getting their own party in line on its big priorities, with the 115th Congress enacting the fewest laws in the last 40 years. But this punchline could also be twisted specific to action on climate change.

New punchline for the energy crowd: And just to remind everyone, I’m here to make jokes, not to achieve anything productive. So anyone who has advised President Trump to leave the Paris climate agreement, you should feel right at home.

President Trump famously called climate change a Chinese hoax via Twitter back in 2012. Once he won the 2016 Presidential race, it became clear among climate action advocates how vital it would be to convince Trump of the scientific consensus behind climate science and the importance of immediate and comprehensive action. Within his inner circle, then-Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and daughter Ivanka Trump sought to convince the President of the importance of staying in the Paris climate agreement. Business leaders like Elon Musk and Tim Cook, as well as former Vice President Al Gore, also tried to use their audience with the President to convince him about how critical climate action is and why the Paris climate agreement was critical for the nation and for the world.

However Trump intentionally surrounded himself with climate change skeptics, placing them in official roles across the federal government, and those voices drowned out the ones fighting for Trump to listen to the 97% of the scientific community urging action on the climate. Trump ultimately pulled the United States from the international agreement, the only nation in the world to do so, so those advisers who had his ear ultimately won in their pursuits. And just like a comedian who admits that her only responsibility is to make people laugh and not necessarily make a point, these climate skeptics have succeeded in serving their personal interests rather than achieving real progress on climate action that the country and the world desperately need.

2. Craft stores

Original joke: Now people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say ‘You’ve been subpoenaed.’

Wolf makes light of the seemingly constant stream of protests in response to policies and controversies in the federal government today, noting that craft stores must enjoy how fast materials are flying off the shelves. But there’s another comparison for that speed that could have been used.

New punchline for the energy crowd: Now people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than federal agencies can remove mentions of climate change from their websites.

Going along with the previous discussion of the Trump Administration’s attacks on climate science, one of the earliest indicators of this trend was the quick disappearance of the words ‘climate change’ from federal web pages. When speaking about the quickness with which this change occurred, the New York Times reported that it was just moments after the inauguration of President Trump that nearly all mentions of climate change were scrubbed from the official White House website. Since that time, however, the deletion of pages and information about climate change have become more widespread and comprehensive, stretching across the Department of Energy, the Department of Health and Human Services, the Department of Transportation, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Interior, the Department of Agriculture, and more.

The Environmental Data and Governance Initiative, an international coalition of researchers and activists, has tracked this process of systematically removing climate change from government websites and found that such a widespread effort to remove or bury information on climate change programs were sure to have a detrimental impact.

3. How broke is he?

Original joke: We’re going to try a fun new thing, okay? I’m going to say ‘Trump is so broke,’ and you guys go ‘How broke is he?’ All right?

Trump is so broke.

[Audience: How broke is he?]

He has to fly failed business class.

Wolf wades into the topic of Trump roasts that would typically be off limits if he were actually present: whether he has as much money as he claims. So she rattled off a series of ‘Trump so broke’ jokes, but I have a new suggestion that would only be for a crowd of energy policy wonks:

New joke for the energy crowd: We’re going to try a fun new thing, okay? I’m going to say ‘Trump is so broke,’ and you guys go ‘How broke is he?’ All right?

Trump is so broke.

[Audience: How broke is he?]

He stores a 90-day fuel supply in his home and asks for reliance subsidies for his troubles.

OK, that one probably isn’t even funny to the energy crowd. But when thinking about what happens when one doesn’t have enough money, my mind immediately went to the attempt from the Trump Administration to procure subsidies for dispatchable fuel generators, namely coal and nuclear power, because they are able to stockpile 90 days worth of fuel on site. A thinly veiled attempt to prop up coal and nuclear sectors that are struggling to compete with the fast-improving economics of natural gas and renewable energy generation, this initiative was unanimously rejected by the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission (notably, four out of five of the sitting commissioners were appointed by Trump). That hasn’t stopped the Administration from trying to find other unexpected ways to prop up the struggling coal and nuclear industry (a voting bloc he wants to hold onto), but the 90-day fuel supply won’t help make Trump or the power plants any richer.

4. Sales experience

Original joke: I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldn’t sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric, but he has helped you.

In this part of here set, Wolf turns a mirror on the press who lambaste Trump and act shocked at his actions while simultaneously profiting from the effect his actions have on their ratings. But there are a number of sales he failed to make in the energy sector that could instead be referenced.

New punchline for the energy crowd: I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldn’t sell cuts to the Department of Energy, coal as the fuel of the future, or offshore waters for oil and gas drilling, but he has helped you.

Here are three different failures of Trump’s attempts to undermine clean energy:

In both of the Presidential budgets proposed by the Trump Administration, he has attempted to eliminate the ARPA-E program of the Department of Energy, but both times Congress has rebuked those attempts and even provided ARPA-E with its largest budget allocation in 2018. The Trump budget also proposed massive funding cuts of 72% to the Office of Energy Efficiency and Renewable Energy, but Congress also rejected those cuts. It seems he can’t sell to Congress the prospect of an underfunded Department of Energy that doesn’t have the necessary funds to support clean and renewable energy.
Trump has made a habit in major speeches of extolling ‘beautiful, clean coal’ and attempting to prop up the fuel despite its economic shortcomings. Despite his continued campaigning to those in coal states, Trump’s actions have barely (if at all) made an impact on U.S. coal performance. The emissions of coal generation and the competitive costs of other fuels are spelling the decline of the coal industry, and there isn’t much that Trump can do to prevent that.

Another attempt at boosting the ‘American energy dominance’ theme of the Trump administration was a massive auction of oil and gas leases in the waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Despite offering up a record 77 million acres for development in an attempt to ramp up fossil fuels output, only 1% of the area received any bids— and those bids came at prices 35% lower than previous year levels. Just consider that another over-hyped real estate deal that fell flat.

5. Get outta here

Original joke: All right, like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didn’t do anything wrong, I gotta get the **** out of here. Good night.

Wolf closes out by connecting her coming departure with the hotbed issue within the Trump Administration of immigration. But what if she instead connected it to energy policy as a metaphor of how unwelcome she is?

New joke for the energy crowd: All right, like a regulation that would help meet climate change goals, save consumers money on energy and fuel costs, and promote sustainable innovation, I gotta get the **** out of here. Good night.

A hallmark of the energy policy of the Trump Administration has been to focus on removing Obama-era policy, rather than create anything new. In that vein, the regressive energy moves of the Trump Administration have included the following:

Pulling out of the Paris climate agreement, which was previously discussed, leaving the United States as the only country not committed to the international agreement to do what it takes to stave off catastrophic global temperature increases. But Trump made it clear on the campaign trail and once in office that the internationally celebrated agreement should be promptly dismissed.
Reversing the crowning achievement of the Obama energy policy, the Clean Power Plan. By mandating reduced emissions from the power generation sector, the Clean Power Plan would cut carbon pollution by 30% by 2030, thus aiding public health while minimizing contributions to climate change. The EPA assessment of the Clean Power Plan had estimated it would lead to $55 billion to $93 billion of climate and health benefits each year by 2030. However because the Clean Power Plan was seen as an attack on the coal industry, those potential benefits were thrown out the window.

Trump’s controversial EPA Administrator, Scott Pruitt, also called for a relaxation of fuel efficiency standards from the Obama-era regulations. While automakers would consistently meet and exceed the increasing standards every year, the benefits of these fuel efficiency requirements include the limiting of climate-changing carbon dioxide emissions, diminished dependence on oil, increased jobs in vehicle manufacturing. and thousands of dollars of savings to consumers. But once again, such benefits did not matter if the influential executives of automobile companies were not happy with them.

Well that’s all the time for me, folks! Remember to tip your waiters and waitresses, and Comedy Central– I’m available for your next roast (as long as you’re roasting a character in the world of energy, of course).

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